So - this fic? Nothing I ever intended to write. It wasn't on my radar, it wasn't on my list of WIPs or fics that I wanted to get done.

And yet it manages to be the longest DS fic I've ever written. Go figure.

Special thanks for this go to pearl_o who one day in chat suggested I write a letters fic, and - ha ha! since my brain is fucked up and ridiculous, this is what came out with nary a letter in sight. There's actually a long and frightening like, fifteen step path from that original suggestion to the finished product because my brain is often scary and off-putting. But, you know, it writes porn, so...

As always, beta thanks go to brooklinegirl who not only rocks as a beta, but has the unfortunate job of trying to teach me how to do things with my pending website, and, well, she has a lot of patience. And deserves many thanks (and, uhm, maybe a few large alchoholic beverages as well.) I love you, darlin!


Title - Dearly Beloved
Pairing - F/K
Rating - First there is angst and then there is fucking.
Size - 50K






Dearly Beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of God - and in the face of this company - to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony.

-Traditional Wedding Vows


Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this thing called life.

-Prince


Ray: Look, I know what it's like to be in love and lose the girl. You think your life is over but it isn't.

Davie: How would you know?

Ray: 'Cause it happened to me.

Due South - Say Amen



Dearly Beloved



Vecchio gave Ray the invitation at the station, and while it pissed Ray off, the way his life had been going lately he pretty much expected it.

Ray's morning that day had started out like every other: waking up too late, drinking not quite enough coffee, driving to the station on auto-pilot. Before him and Fraser had gone off to Canada, work was sometimes not so bad. Some freaky shit would happen, sure, but all in all he had something real good when he was being Vecchio and working with Fraser. Something so good he didn't even realize how good he had it until he was here, now, however many years later without any of it, and he realized just how much he'd lost.

After the Muldoon case, him and Fraser had stayed in Canada to look for that guy's hand and found - well - let's be honest - sex.

They found a lot of sex.

Sex in tents during the adventure. Sex in cabins after. Sex in Jeeps pulled over on the side of the road while Dief paced back and forth outside in the snow. The adventure had been all well and good, and after that Fraser had some time left and Ray still had vacation days, so they'd stayed there. Fucking and eating and sleeping and then fucking some more. They did that for months without ever once talking about what they were doing.

Which might have been the first mistake. Not that it seemed like it at the time, but looking back on it now, Ray realized that maybe they should have just - sat down and talked about it. Even just one night between the kissing up against Fraser's tiny fridge in the kitchen and the licking of the inside of Ray's thigh as he lay sprawled out on top of Fraser's nice, quilted comforter they maybe should have - something. Stopped. Slowed down. Talked.

Fraser though, Fraser never once stopped for talking, not even during the few times that Ray gave it a half-hearted attempt. What pissed Ray off more than anything was that Fraser could apparently go on and on about the mating habits of geese for hours - Ray had seen him do it. But when it came to talking about them, talking about something important, he'd clam up and Ray couldn't pry an opinion out of him. Ray would start talking - trying to figure out what was going on and what the hell the two of them were doing - and the next thing he knew Fraser had spun him around so his back was to the wall and his lips were on Ray's throat. Fraser would unbutton Ray's jeans and just like that! any conversational skills Ray thought he had were being sucked right out of his dick and into Fraser's mouth.

The day the RCMP called Fraser to come back to work, Ray knew from the look on Fraser's face and the tone in his voice that it was over.

He took Fraser to bed that night and for all the times they fucked hard and fast and in places that were probably never meant for fucking, this time Ray undressed Fraser slowly. Really took his time. He kissed every bit of Fraser's skin as it was exposed, running his tongue across Fraser's skin and closing his eyes tight so he didn't have to see Fraser's face.

"Ray, I-" Fraser said quietly, but Ray just shook his head and said, "Fraser, don't," as he ran his hands over Fraser's body for the last time. "Just shut the fuck up and don't say it."

Fraser never asked him to stay. Never asked Ray if he could leave with him. Ray dropped hints and made mention of it, but when push came to shove, he left on the first flight out of Yellowknife the very next morning.

When Ray got back to Chicago the precinct was almost the same as how he had left it, minus Huey and that asshole Dewey who thought they were funny enough to play together in some comedy club. Ha. That was the funny part. That people would pay money to go see Huey bang on a toy drum and Dewey stink the place up.

Ray got his desk back and worked his cases. Welsh paired him up with a few rookies to start but none of them really seemed to stick, so mostly Ray worked on his own, typing out his case notes with two fingers and never figuring out how to get the printer to work. He went to the store and bought one of those pre-made baby baskets for Frannie when they had the station baby shower for her, and mostly tried to ignore the way everyone would drop their voice an octave or two when they said Fraser's name.

Stella and Vecchio picked up and moved to Florida right after he got back, and the thing was, Ray didn't even care. He was over Stella and when him and Vecchio weren't trying to punch each other's noses in, they actually got along kind of okay. Vecchio looked at Ray differently after Ray got back from Canada, and when Stella and Vecchio left, Vecchio squeezed Ray's arm and said, "You call if you need anything," real quietly. Ray didn't know quite how to take that so he just nodded and said, "Yeah. Okay. Thanks."

Everyone Ray knew was either gone or going. The station was quiet for a little while, and Ray started to feel like he could maybe get used to this again. Get used to getting up, going to work, putting in his eight hours, and then heading back home to his take-out and the turtle.

Six months later, Fraser got transferred back to the Consulate.

Ray had no idea why - he didn't ask enough questions to actually find out the reason when Fraser called him. And Fraser did call him, all on his own, which was nice (though, if Ray had ever had a more awkward conversation in his life he couldn't remember it.)

Fraser explained that for more reasons that he didn't feel like talking about right now, he was back in Chicago, making Ray's nice, quiet little life stressful. He'd keep his distance, he assured Ray, and Ray nodded and said that was fine. Sure. He had no problem with that. Then he hung up the phone and unclenched his fist and wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans. He put his forehead down on his desk and banged it against his blotter a few times, and when Frannie's replacement came by and asked him if he was feeling okay, he just lifted one hand in a weak wave and kept banging.

"Kowalski," Welsh barked from his office.

Ray lifted his head.

"Come in here." Welsh crooked a finger at him and Ray sighed, and hauled himself out of his chair.

The blinds on Welsh's office door banged against the glass as Welsh shut it after Ray got into the office. Ray flopped down in the chair across from Welsh's desk and stretched his legs out in front of him. Welsh sat down and heaved a big sigh, folding his hands across his gut.

"So," he said carefully. "I just got an interesting phone call from the new Inspector over at the Consulate."

Ray leaned his head back against his seat and closed his eyes. "Yeah. Fraser just called me."

"It's not going to be like it was," Welsh continued, adding a muttered 'thank Christ' at the end of it. "But he's going to be in and out of here whenever there are cases that coincide between us and them." He leaned forward over his desk and waited until Ray looked at him to keep talking. "That going to be a problem for you, Kowalski?"

Ray set his jaw and shook his head before leaning his head back on the seat. "Not a bit."

Welsh was quiet, and then he sat back in his seat again. For a minute all Ray could hear were the phones ringing dimly from the other side of the door and then Welsh's long suffering sigh. "I also got a call from Vecchio."

Ray jerked his head up.

"Him and ASA Kowalski are gonna be here in a month." Welsh watched Ray carefully, his eyes serious. "For the wedding."

Ray wasn't surprised. The universe really had pretty much had it in for him his entire life anyway. Why would this be any different? "Sure," he said, rubbing a hand over his face. "Great. Fucking fabulous. Where do I sign?"

"Kowalski," Welsh warned, but Ray just shook his head.

"No, you know what? I'm good." Welsh narrowed his eyes. "No, really. Fraser is here, Stella's coming back," Ray ticked the points off on his fingers. "I'm sure if we tried we could find out the numbers of all the people I pissed myself in front of when I was thirteen. Give them all a call to come and hang out or something."

Welsh signed and pushed back in his chair. "I called you in here to see if there's anyplace you've been wanting to go. Maybe take yourself a nice vacation or something." Ray looked at Welsh, saw how serious he was. "The time's already approved, Kowalski," he said quietly.

Ray shook his head. "I appreciate it, Lieu, but I'm good." He forced a smile on his face. "It has to happen sometime, right? Might as well do it all at once. Like eating your peas first at dinner."

"All right," Welsh said, picking his glasses up and sliding them on his face. "The offer's open if you decide to change your mind." He lifted a file and flipped open the cover, ignoring that Ray was still sitting there. He looked up after a minute and stared. "Well? Don't you have work to do then?"

Ray grinned and stood up. "Yeah. I'm off to do that now." He reached the door before turning back. "Thanks, Lieu."

Welsh signed and waved a hand in the air. "Get the hell out of here."

Ray turned and left.

He didn't really see Fraser the first month that Fraser got back; only the quick glimpse of the back of his serge from across the bullpen the day he stopped in to get his ID validated. That day Fraser turned and caught Ray's eye and gave him a small smile. Ray lifted his chin and nodded coolly before carefully standing up from his desk and making his way to the men's room to jerk off in the stall. He closed his eyes and bit the knuckle on his left hand as he came all over his fingers and the dirty tile floor, then decided he was pretty much going to have to avoid seeing Fraser at the station as much as possible.

Avoiding Stella and Vecchio turned out to be more problematic.

The thing was, even though Fraser was back in town, he was working all the way over at the Consulate. So, sure, he stopped in from time to time to drop something off or pick up some files or something. He made his way around the station and said a few quick hellos, but mostly everyone Fraser knew was gone too, and if he wasn't stopping by to say hello to Ray (which, thank Christ, he was not) then he didn't really have much reason to be there.

Stella and Vecchio, on the other hand, were at the station pretty much all the time. Stella was still tying up loose ends with her job, and Vecchio was - God, Ray had no idea what Vecchio was doing, short of making his life fucking miserable.

"How you doing there, Stanley," Vecchio asked with his hip propped on Ray's desk. He was swinging his leg and smiling and Ray felt the sudden urge again to knock Vecchio's teeth out.

"You know, I have to tell you," Ray said, sitting down at his desk and kicking Vecchio's shin with his foot. "I liked you a hell of a lot more when there were a whole bunch of states in between us."

"Aww," Vecchio drawled. "You hurt my feelings." Ray rolled his eyes and was just about to tell him that sorry, he didn't care too much about Vecchio's feeling, thanks, when Vecchio reached in his pocket and pulled out a thick white envelope that he dropped on Ray's desk.

"What the fuck is that?" Ray asked, sneering at it as if it was a flesh-eating bug.

"Invitation," Vecchio said, smiling widely. "To my pending nuptuals."

Ray swore softly. "You've got to be fucking-"

"Stella wants you to come," Vecchio said, interrupting him. "Now me, I could give a crap if I ever saw your ugly face again, but Stella, she's weird like that. Nice or something." Vecchio leaned over Ray's desk to talk with his voice lowered. "Plus, come on, Ray. You gonna avoid Fraser forever?"

Ray cursed again and shook his head. "Fraser. I didn't think-"

"If you're ever gonna see him and try and act like normal humans again, do it in a public place with free liquor and ABBA playing in the background, is what I always say." Ray tried to figure out if Vecchio was jerking him around, but Vecchio looked serious and something in his eyes almost seemed kind. "Just come, Stanley," he said, showing Ray a smile. "I'll even save you a dance."

Ray laughed softly and leaned back in his chair. "Like I'd dance with an ugly motherfucker like you." Vecchio laughed quietly and Ray took a deep breath. "Fine. Whatever. I'll see you there."


*


The wedding wasn't all that big, but it was still far too many Vecchios in one place for Ray's liking. Ray dug his best suit out from the back of his closet, dusted it off, and left his black shirt open at the neck, no tie. He was going. He wasn't wearing a tie to boot.

"You look beautiful," Ray told Stella when he saw her on the receiving line, kissing her softly on the cheek.

Stella smiled and reached around to adjust the clips holding her hair back. "You think? I feel old."

"Nah," Ray said, grinning. "Classy."

Something from inside the restaurant where the party was hit the floor with a loud crash, followed by the hysterical wail of one of Frannie's kids. Stella glanced behind her nervously and Ray winced. "Frannie's kids are, uh--"

"Yes," Stella said wryly. "They certainly are."

The person behind Ray moved closer and Ray decided it was time to get moving. "Good luck," he said. Vecchio looked over at him and smiled and Ray widened his grin. "To both of you. I mean it."

Stella smiled and nodded and Vecchio reached out to shake Ray's hand. "Thank you," he said seriously. "I really appreciate your coming."

"Yeah, well, someone told me there was gonna be free booze and bad dance music." Ray patted Vecchio on the shoulder and backed up to make his way into the restaurant. "I'm gonna go see about that drink."

The closer he got to the room the louder the crying got and Ray made a face. "Maybe I'll get two," he said to himself, taking care to step over some sort of plastic tunnel thing that a small child was currently squirming through.

Once he was inside the room, he could see what a nice job Vecchio did getting the place set up for Stella. The tables were long and draped with thick white tablecloths and tiny glass vases holding daisies or something were set in between every other place setting. Music played softly from the speakers hidden throughout the room, and there was a small bar back in the corner of the restaurant. Ray strode over and grinned at the bartender before slapping a hand down on the dark mahogany.

"Scotch, neat, in as big a glass as you can give me without me looking like the jilted ex-husband." The bartender chuckled and pulled out a nice size glass, filling it with about three fingers of Scotch.

"How's that, buddy?"

Ray lifted the glass and took a sip. "About fifty times better than I was before this, thanks."

The restaurant was filling up slowly, and Ray turned and leaned his elbow on the bar, making small talk with the bartender and nodding vaguely at all the members of the Vecchio family that he remembered. Frannie came over and gave him a huge hug, which was nice, and their mom came over and literally pinched his cheeks, which wasn't so nice but Ray just smiled and let her do it.

He knew Fraser was in the room before he even saw him. It had something to do with the way his entire stomach seemed to drop to his knees and the way the liquor he'd already drank curdled in his belly.

Ray kept his eyes down, sipping his drink slowly, watching Fraser from the corner of his eye. He stopped to play for a few minutes with all of Frannie's kids, and when Mrs. Vecchio pinched Fraser's cheeks the freak smiled and even seemed to like it. Frannie stood on her toes and hugged him, whispering something in Fraser's ear, and the way his spine stiffened Ray figured it was probably about him.

The bartender filled Ray's glass again when he turned around and slammed it on the bar.

Even with his back to him, Ray knew the moment that Fraser was standing behind him. He could feel him, could smell him - Christ. He hadn't been this close to Fraser in what, six months? Eight? Just the smell of him; the wool of his serge and the scent of his cologne, had Ray's face flushing and his stomach twisting in knots. He pushed his glass away - the smell of the liquor was making him sick - just as Fraser cleared his throat.

"Hello, Ray," Fraser said quietly.

Ray took a deep breath and turned, pasting a smile on his face. "Fraser. Hey."

Fraser looked good. Hell, scratch that. He was Fraser. He looked perfect. His hair was perfectly combed and his red serge was all pressed and flat and smooth looking. He had all of his dress ropes and pins on, and Ray could see the reflection of the floor in the shine of Fraser's boots. Next to him Ray felt messy and rumpled, which wasn't anything new, but then he looked up, looked at Fraser's face which was so familiar it made his teeth ache and had to take a deep breath.

"So, it was good seeing you," Ray said, taking a step away from the bar. Fraser reached out to touch Ray's arm. He said Ray's name softly, but Ray just jerked away and started walking.

"No, really," he said. "Hi. It was good seeing you. That's all I got, Fraser."

He didn't look back as he walked away. The last time he did that, he was waiting for Fraser to stop him from boarding a plane in Yellowknife. Fraser didn't stop him then, and Ray would be damned if he was going to stop him now.

There was a door toward the back of the restaurant with a small exit sign hanging above it. There was no sort of bar or fire alarm attached to it from what Ray could tell, and when he pushed it open no bells or whistles sounded so he figured he was okay. The door let him out into a little courtyard, complete with a stone bench and tiny rock fountain. Ray sat down on the bench, stretched his legs out in front of him, and reached inside his jacket pocket for his pack of cigarettes.

Ray hadn't smoked the entire time he was being Vecchio, and when him and Fraser were up in Canada, a pack of smokes wasn't really the easiest things to come by. His first five minutes back in Chicago, though, found him at a newsstand in the airport, buying a pack of Newports and a lighter and looking for the nearest exit. Now, he flipped open the pack and tapped out a cigarette, stuck it in his mouth and lit it from the lighter he pulled from his other pocket.

The first blast of smoke hit his lungs so hard his eyes watered and Ray just let them water, not blinking, and took another drag. He smoked the first half of the cigarette that way, not even enjoying it, just doing it to have something to do, and was almost ready to grind it out under the heel of his shoe when the door opened and Fraser was there.

Ray took another drag as Fraser closed the door behind him.

"Ray, I really think-"

"Jesus Christ, you know what, Fraser?" Ray dropped his cigarette and ground out the butt as he stood from the bench. He turned around to face Fraser and jabbed a finger out. "I don't care what you think."

"Honestly, Ray-"

"No, fuck 'honestly.' How many months I don't see or hear dick from you, and now you're all, 'Oh, honestly.'" Ray ran a hand through his hair. He needed to do something with his hands before he wrapped them around Fraser's throat. "I'm just - I'm not doing this, Fraser. I can't do this."

Ray walked past him, his shoulder brushing against Fraser's jacket. He could feel the warmth from Fraser's body and it was doing all sorts of crazy things to his brain. Making him remember all things he had no business remembering. Fraser reached out and grabbed the sleeve of Ray's jacket, and Ray whipped around, his hand clenched in a fist before he even realized what he was doing.

"Oh, you're going to hit me now?" Fraser's eyes snapped with anger and Ray grit his teeth and lunged forward. "Maybe," he ground out.

"Fine then." Fraser dropped his hand from Ray's sleeve and took a step back. "Hit me if that makes you feel better, when all I want to do is talk to you."

Ray took a deep breath and dropped his hand, stepping backward. "Now you want to talk," he said, laughing bitterly. "If that ain't the best thing I ever heard."

Fraser was breathing hard, panting almost, and Ray realized that he'd really had no idea if Ray was going to hit him or not. He would have taken it, too. Ray knew that for a fact. Problem was though, he didn't want to hit Fraser, not really. He didn't want to be in the place where him and Fraser were glaring at each other outside Stella and Vecchio's wedding either, but, well, what was the saying about not ever getting what you want?

"Ray, please." Fraser's voice was low. It reminded Ray of all the nights they would lie whispering to each other in the tent, the whole world silent except for the two of them. Every single thing Fraser did or said reminded Ray of something from before, and Ray squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head once sharply.

"I'm sorry, Fraser," he said thickly. "And maybe one day I will be able to do this. But - just - not now, okay? I can't do this now."

"I understand," Fraser said after a minute. "If you'd please-"

He faltered and Ray took a deep breath and lifted his head.

"I wanted to give you something," Fraser said, reaching into his jacket pocket. He seemed to hesitate for a minute, but when Ray didn't walk away or punch him he pulled out a small envelope - maybe the size of a tiny card from a flower shop or something - and handed it to him.

"If you can read it - when you're ready," Fraser added quickly, "I would appreciate it."

Ray licked his lip. "Okay," he said quietly, careful not to brush Fraser's fingers with his own when he took the card. He slipped it in his pocket and left his hand resting on the edge of the card. "Okay."

Fraser smiled sadly and took a step back. "Well then. I should be getting back to the festivities."

"Yeah, I'm gonna…" Ray trailed off and looked around the courtyard. There was a gated fence and he could see the parking lot just beyond it. "I'm gonna head out."

"All right," Fraser said with a sigh. "I'll just…" he pasted a smile on his face and nodded brightly. "I'll be seeing you, Ray."

"Yeah." Ray waved and made his way over to the gate, making sure to close and lock it behind him. The last thing he needed was one of Frannie's monsters running around wild in the parking lot. "I'll see you," he said, lifting his hand in a wave again and walking away.


*


Ray waited for almost two weeks to pass after the wedding before going to the Consulate to see Fraser. He never opened the card that Fraser gave him, but he carried it around in his pocket, brushing his thumb across the now well-worn corner every so often. Part of him was curious to see what was in the envelope, sure, but even more than that it was the unknown that really had Ray thinking. What was it that Fraser wanted him to see? What was it that was so important he'd carried it with him to make sure he gave it to Ray?

Fraser had been insistent that day, never once backing down from Ray. That had to count for something. He also didn't show up at the station after the wedding or call or do any of the things Ray was half-expecting him to do, and Ray appreciated that. So much so that he found himself going to the Consulate to thank him.

The Consulate looked the same as it always had, and the new guy who had replaced Turnbull called Fraser and then just pointed Ray down the hall to the same office Fraser had used the last time he was in Chicago. Ray knocked once and pushed the door open, smiling a little as Fraser blinked surprised eyes at him.

"Ray, I have to say, I didn't expect to see you here," Fraser said.

Ray nodded his head and pushed the door shut behind him. "Yeah, well. That's me. Expect the unexpected."

Fraser's office looked the same as it always had except now there was no cot propped up in the corner of the room. Maybe Fraser actually broke down and got an apartment. And another thing that was missing: "Hey, where's the wolf?"

"Diefenbaker is out for his afternoon walk with the Inspector. Though, why one walks a wolf and then buys him doughnuts as a reward is beyond me," Fraser said with a sigh.

Ray raised his eyebrows. "Wow. Is the new Inspector actually human or something? Not made of rocks and stone like Thatcher was?"

Fraser tried to frown, but Ray could see his eyes sparkle. "Now, Ray…" he warned.

Ray smiled a little. "Well - good for Dief, is what I say. Everyone needs a little reward sometimes. Even wolves."

"Well, yes. I suppose that is true," Fraser agreed.

Neither of them said anything for a minute and just when Ray was seriously debating his idea to even do this, Fraser cleared his throat. "I trust that you didn't come here to discuss Diefenbaker's exercise regimen, Ray."

Ray felt one corner of his mouth lift in a smile. "Yeah. Not so much." He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back against the wall, lifting one leg so his foot rested behind him. "I just wanted to come and say thank you." Fraser cocked his head to the side curiously (just like he used to do on the adventure. And in Canada. Before that even and Christ, Ray missed him) so Ray clarified, "For not bugging me about the thing - the card thing - after the wedding."

"Ah, well." Fraser looked down and lifted a file, neatly tapping the edges against his desk. "The card is yours, Ray, to do with it what you will." he said quietly.

"Yeah, well, like I said," Ray cleared his throat. Fraser still wasn't looking at him, which was actually making it easier. "I appreciate it."

Fraser was still looking down, not saying anything, and Ray was just about to turn and leave when he heard Dief barking and running down the hall. He turned around and opened the door and thankfully remembered to brace his feet on the floor as Dief launched himself at Ray's chest, panting and slobbering all over him.

"Hey! Easy!" Ray crouched down and ran his fingers through Dief's thick fur. He scratched behind Dief's ears and buried his face against his fur when Dief went to lick his ear. "No ears, wolf. Don't you remember anything?"

Dief barked happily and Ray sighed and scratched his head one last time before standing up. "Yeah. I miss you too, buddy." When he turned around Fraser had stood up from his chair and was watching them with a queer expression on his face. "Don't get mad at him, Frase," Ray said, jerking his thumb at Dief who was now trying to bury his face in Ray's back pocket. "He's just excited or something."

Fraser gave him a small smile. "As long as you don't mind, Ray."

"I think for once I can let it slide," Ray said, patting Dief on the head again.

Fraser sat back down in his chair. He cleared his throat and picked his file back up, and Ray realized that, well, all right. He 'd gone to thank Fraser. He had now thanked Fraser. Time for him to go.

He turned around to walk out the door, but something - God - Fraser's face or his eyes or the way he just kept looking at Ray, had him turning back around, opening his mouth before he even thought about the words that were coming out.

"So, hey. Listen. You wouldn't want to go get something to eat, would you?" Fraser looked up from his work and blinked. "Eat?" he asked vaguely.

"Yeah, you know, lunchtime," Ray said, trying to lighten the mood a little. He cracked his neck and gave Fraser a small smile. "The meal sitting right between breakfast and dinner?" Fraser just kept staring at him, though, so Ray just dropped his eyes and shook his head. "Right. Okay. Stupid idea-"

"I'd like that very much, Ray," Fraser said, his voice rough. Ray looked back up and saw Fraser watching him, a smile playing on his mouth. "Let me just…" he waved a hand toward the door and Ray stepped to the side, letting Fraser walk past him. "I'll tell the Inspector that I'm going out for a while," he said, after taking a few steps down the hall and stopping. He turned and looked back at Ray. "I'll be right back," he told him, smiling brighter now that Ray was smiling back.

"I'll be right here," Ray said, leaning back against the doorframe to wait.


*


Ray had a hard time deciding where him and Fraser were going to go to eat lunch. He didn't want to pick anyplace too familiar. A place that he'd been at with Fraser a thousand times before, all filled with memories of things they'd talked about and waitresses that knew them both by name. But he didn't want to pick an entirely new place either, and make it look to Fraser like he was trying too hard or something.

Not that Fraser was going to notice anyway. He was sitting in the passenger seat of Ray's car trying so hard to keep the balance of small talk and familiarity going that Ray thought he was going to pop a blood vessel in his skull.

After driving around for a good fifteen minutes, Ray picked a diner not too close to the station so they hadn't been there a thousand times, but close enough that Ray had actually gone there before and knew that the burgers were good and the fries were always crispy. He found a spot toward the back of the lot and threw the car into park.

"Listen," Ray said, interrupting Fraser, who was midway through a story Ray had heard a hundred times before about the time Dief had eaten Turnbull's socks. Fraser looked over at him and flicked a thumb across his eyebrow. "Yes, Ray?"

"You and me, we got history, right?" Ray said. He waited for Fraser's nod before continuing. "Right. So. The thing is, we can't talk about it all the time, I know. But we can't act like none of it ever happened either. Which is hard." Ray turned to look back out the front windshield of the car and wrapped his fingers around the steering wheel, squeezing until his knuckles turned white. "Things got fucked up, but we had good times, Frase. Let's just - I dunno. Let's go from there or something. Deal?"

He looked back at Fraser and found him smiling the easiest smile Ray had seen on his face in months. He looked like the old Fraser - the one Ray knew before the adventure and the sex and the break-up. He looked like the very first Fraser that Ray fell in love with, and he had to physically force himself to stay in his seat and not reach out - bury his fingers in Fraser's hair and pull his head forward until Ray was kissing him. Kissing him as hard as he wanted. Telling him all the things he never got a chance to say - the things he never thought he'd want to say, and-

"…very much, yes." Ray shook his head. "Sorry, Fraser. I was just…" Ray huffed. "I just got lost for a minute," he finished quietly. "What did you say?"

The tips of Fraser's ears were pink (like they got when he was cold, or embarrassed) and he said, "I said that I'd like that very much, Ray. Yes."

Ray took a deep breath. He could do this. He did it with Stella after all, why should this be any different. He nodded once and held out his hand, squeezing hard when Fraser slid his fingers against Ray's. "Deal, then. Friends."


*


Being friends with Fraser was probably the suckiest thing Ray had ever done.

The problem was, neither Ray or Fraser really had any friends other than each other before everything between them happened, and the mood Ray came back from Canada in didn't really win him too many new buddies either. He had basically kept to himself, working his cases, doing his however many hours a day. Sometimes he'd grab something to eat with Frannie when she was around, but he really wasn't in the mood to start small-talking it up with a bunch of rookies in the break room every day.

After the first time that him and Fraser had lunch together, Fraser waited about a week or so to come down to the station, and when Ray looked up from the file that was currently turning him cross-eyed, there Fraser was. As big and as red as he'd ever been.

"Fraser, hey," Ray said, rubbing a hand over his eyes.

Fraser tilted his head, concerned. "Ray, are you-"

"Yeah, m'all right. Just - this fucking case," he said on a sigh, pushing the file away disgustedly. "I think I'm going blind over here reading the same shit over and over again."

Fraser laughed softly, and Ray grinned - God, it was great to see Fraser smiling like that again.

"I don't suppose you'd like to-"

Ray was nodding and standing up from his chair before Fraser even finished his sentence. "Yes. I would love to get the hell out of here for a bit." He grabbed his jacket and shrugged it on, kicking the chair under his desk with his foot. "I've been dying for Chinese."

Fraser made a face, and waited for Ray to start walking before he joined him. "I was actually thinking of maybe trying that new place down the block. The one with the health sandwiches?"

"Oh no" Ray argued, shaking his head. "I am not eating anywhere that grass and twigs is an option for a topping on my food. Just - no."

"But, Ray," Fraser cut in. "You really need to broaden your-"

"Broaden this, Benton," Ray shot back with a smile, and then continued to argue with him the entire rest of the way down the hall.

That day they went with Ray's suggestion of Chinese (ha) but the day after that Ray was feeling generous so he went to the damn health food store and picked up two twig and rock sandwiches and brought them over to the Consulate for lunch. Fraser looked so happy Ray thought he was going to pass out, and really, when all was said and done his sandwich really wasn't all that bad either.

A few days after that Fraser had to work through lunch at the Consulate, but he called Ray ahead of time and asked if Ray maybe wanted to grab a bite to eat for dinner. Nothing fancy, maybe just the diner or something, and Ray said sure, he had no plans. They went out to dinner and Ray got his cheeseburger and Fraser a bowl of soup. Ray passed Dief pieces of his bun under the table and Fraser pretended not to notice, and everything was almost like it was before everything had happened.

Except for how nothing was like how it was before everything happened.

Before him and Fraser had been together, Ray had this idea - this little hope that he carried around with him like a good luck charm. He tried not to take it out and look at it too often, because nothing good ever came of thinking about your hopes too much, but he knew it was there. It was like a secret that he had all to himself.

Now though, all Ray had were the memories of the two of them, and the reminder of how things didn't work out no matter how badly Ray had wanted them to. Ray didn't have to wonder what Fraser's lips felt like against his, or what he looked like first thing in the morning mussed from sleep. Ray knew all that, and not having it now - just having those memories to go back to were killing him. Every time Fraser looked at him or laughed or smiled Ray could feel him. Could see and smell and remember how Fraser tasted and God - not having that anymore - knowing exactly what it was that he had lost was almost killing him.

That was probably why Ray carried around that card Fraser had given him at Stella and Vecchio's wedding, but never opened it. He kept it in his jacket pocket and every time he put his hand in there he'd run his thumb over the corner and wonder what Fraser had put inside. Fraser had written something out, for him. He'd given Ray the card and wanted Ray to read it, but Ray - he just wanted to card itself. The idea that Fraser wanted him to have it.

Ray dropped Fraser off at the Consulate after dinner that night, and when he went home it was the first time since him and Fraser had started talking again that he thought: God. Maybe I really can't do this. I don't know how much longer I can pretend. He tossed and turned in bed all night, and when his alarm went off at six the next morning Ray dragged himself to the shower and got dressed and made his way to work like normal.

He didn't answer his phone all day, and when Fraser left a message Ray didn't call him back.

Ray did the same thing the next day, and then it was Friday, and time for the weekend anyway. Ray picked up a pizza on the way home, and a twelve pack of Corona, and planned on locking himself in his apartment, not answering the phone or the door or - whatever - the window if anyone thought they could get his attention that way.

He changed into sweat pants and a t-shirt and sat on his couch with the remote and a plate of pizza on the coffee table in front of him, and clicked through the channels for close to an hour before he heard someone knocking at the door.

Ray ignored the knocking and kept clicking.

"I know you're in there, Ray," Fraser said, his voice muffled through the wood of the door. "I can smell the pizza."

Ray snorted. "Freaking bat nose."

"I can also hear you."

"Freaking bat ears," Ray muttered before tossing the remote down on the coffee table.

"Ray, honestly, if you can just-"

"If you can hear me so well Fraser, then hear this," Ray shouted. "Go. Away."

"I'm not leaving until we-"

"I'm not kidding, you freak," Ray said, angrily pushing up from the couch. "When I say go away, it means fucking go. Away. What part of this aren't you-"

"…talk about whatever it is that happened the other day that-"

"…understanding! God! You're just-" Ray stalked to the door and threw the locks, yanking it open angrily. "What aren't you grasping, Fraser?" Ray crossed his arms over his chest and glared. "I don't want to see you. I don't want to call you back. I don't want you here. I just-"

Fraser was so fast Ray barely even saw him move. The last thing Ray knew he was yelling at Fraser who was just standing there, watching him with those same blue-grey eyes Ray had looked into a thousand times before. Then before Ray knew it, Fraser was moving. Pushing the door closed and twisting his fingers in Ray's t-shirt at the same time, shoving him back against the wall. Ray had a split second to hiss out, "What the fuck do you-"

But that was it. Fraser stepped in closer, pressed his body against Rays and kissed him, his mouth bruising and angry. He twisted his fingers in Ray's hair, held his face between his hands, and Ray squeezed his eyes shut and kissed Fraser back. This was dumb and stupid and wouldn't help matters any in the long run. It was - fuck - it was exactly the same way they'd fucked everything up before.

But God - Fraser was here. He was here and he was kissing Ray, running his hands down Ray's face. He could feel Fraser's hands shake, and Ray reached up and circled Fraser's wrists with his fingers, slipping his tongue into Fraser's mouth.

He missed this - God, Ray just - he missed him. He missed Fraser and he loved him and there was nothing good about them not being together. Ray shifted his hips and pressed his erection against Fraser's hip, twisting them around so Fraser's back was against the wall and kept Fraser's wrists in his hands as he pressed back, Fraser's pulse tripping over itself under Ray's fingers.

Ray dropped his face against Fraser's neck and bit down hard, tasting salt and sweat on his skin. Fraser panted next to Ray's ear, making his sounds - the sounds Ray remembered. The sounds he heard in every dream he had since the day he boarded that flight back in Yellowknife. "God. Fraser," Ray said breathlessly. He thrust his hips again; the soft cotton of his sweat pants not enough - not hard enough or rough enough against his dick. "I missed you," Ray said quietly, squeezing his eyes shut.

Fraser shuddered against him, and then he was dragging Ray's mouth back to his, kissing him again and murmuring against Ray's lips: "I missed you. Ray, I'm sorry, I just-"

"I don't want to talk about it," Ray said, moving his head. He was being stupid; he knew that. He was doing the same exact thing that Fraser had always done, but he couldn't seem to stop himself. He kissed the corner of Fraser's mouth. "Just, come to bed with me. Okay?"

Fraser gave him a sad smile, and then kissed him softly. "Okay."


*


Ray left most of the lights off, except for one small lamp glowing from the top of his dresser across the room. His sheets were messy, the bed unmade, but when he pulled Fraser down after him, his fingers unbuttoning Fraser's shirt, his hands slipping under the soft flannel and sliding over Fraser's skin again, Ray hardly even remembered where he was.

Fraser pulled Ray's shirt up and over his head, then kissed Ray's shoulder, his lips slightly chapped and wet against Ray's skin. Ray raised his head, kissed a spot on Fraser's chest, and then Fraser pushed up and Ray reached down to unbutton Fraser's jeans, shoving them down his legs and running his hands over Fraser's hips. He got rid of his own sweat pants, and then Fraser lowered himself on top of Ray, his mouth wet, his breath hot against the side of Ray's neck.

"Fraser, yeah," Ray panted, shoving his cock up against Fraser's, closing his eyes to make sure he remembered this. Every touch, every sound. God knew if he'd ever have it again. Fraser's fingers slipped down, over his dick, down around his balls. Ray threw a hand out and yanked open the drawer in his night table. "Lube. In there," he gasped as one of Fraser's fingers gently pressed against him.

Fraser lifted off to grab the bottle, and then he was popping the cap and drizzling some of the liquid on his fingers, rubbing them together to warm it up. He pressed against Ray with first one finger, and Ray bit his lip and pushed down slowly, letting his body get used to it again. Fraser was panting above him, and Ray remembered, how stressed fucking him made Fraser sometimes. How he'd be so worried about hurting Ray, or concerned that he was doing something that Ray wouldn't like, that he would almost drive himself crazy.

Ray opened his eyes and yeah, Fraser's eyebrows were drawn together, and he looked slightly worried as he twisted one finger deep inside Ray's ass, and slowly started to push in a second. Ray reached up and hooked an arm around Fraser's neck, pulling him down lower, and kissed him as hard as he could.

"Fraser," Ray said fiercely. He waited until Fraser raised his eyes to look at him before saying, "Stop thinking and fuck me."

Fraser smiled a little and nodded. "I know. I'm trying. I just-"

"Stop trying," Ray said, reaching down to tap on Fraser's arm. "And do it."

"Right. All right." Fraser slid his fingers out slowly and then drizzled out more lube and reached down to cover himself with it. He was almost done when he stopped, and looked up at Ray with a weird look in his eyes. "Ray, I don't suppose you. I mean - do you want to get-"

From the way his skin was pinking up, Ray knew Fraser was talking about getting a condom. Back in Canada when they first started this whole thing, they had the big "talk" and decided that they were probably two of the cleanest guys to ever walk the planet, and they'd be good without them.

Now though - now months had passed, and while Ray could speak for himself, he sure as hell couldn't speak for Fraser. Not anymore.

"It's up to you," Ray told him. "I'm good on my end. I mean - it's the same. As before." He took a deep breath and looked Fraser straight in the eye. "There hasn't been anyone since you."

Fraser nodded slowly. "There's not anyone else for me either," he told Ray quietly.

Ray left his eyes open the next time Fraser kissed him. Fraser's skin this close up was pinker than he remembered, and was slightly damp with sweat. Fraser's body covered Ray's - pressed him down into the mattress, and his cock was huge and hard and thick as he pushed inside Ray. All Ray could think was: The last time you did this it was the end. The last time was it, and then he closed his eyes and wrapped his legs around Fraser's waist, not thinking about the beginning or the end or anything that had happened in between.

Fraser moved against him harder, his thrusts became shorter and sharper. Ray ran his hand through the back of Fraser's hair and pulled his mouth down, kissing him hard as Fraser came, moaning against Ray's mouth. Ray patted his hands gently against Fraser's back and after a minute Fraser slid out and moved down Ray's body, taking Ray's cock deep in his mouth.

Ray bit his lip, slid his dick between Fraser's lips. Fraser's mouth was hot and wet, and he was sucking Ray's cock hard, his fingers still pressing up and twisting inside him. Ray didn't want to come - if he came that was it, they were done, the night was over. But it had been too fucking long, and all Ray wanted was Fraser back with him, back in his bed. Fraser drew his tongue across the head, and twisted his fingers again and that was it. Ray was grabbing onto the sheets with his fingers, and cursing and coming in Fraser's mouth.

It took a few minutes for Ray to open his eyes. When he did he was convinced that Fraser had fallen asleep right there, with his head on Ray's thigh. But when Ray reached down to touch Fraser's hair he lifted his head and blinked.

"Hey," Ray said quietly.

Fraser licked his lips. "Hey."

They just stayed there, watching each other for a minute, before Fraser opened his mouth to say something. "No. Wait," Ray said before Fraser could talk. "Can you do something for me?"

Fraser pursed his lips. "Of course."

"Okay. Just-" Ray pulled his hand back and patted the space next to him on the bed. "Just sleep. I know we got like, a thousand things to say, but I just…" he smiled faintly. "I just want to sleep."

Fraser smiled softly and nodded before crawling up to lie behind him. He pressed his lips against Ray's shoulder, and Ray closed his eyes and stuck his face further down into the pillow. He fell asleep to the feel of Fraser's warm breath on the back of his neck.


*


The next morning Ray woke to the sound of rain pelting against his window and the feel of Fraser's leg trapping his against the mattress. He tried to squirm out from under Fraser's death grip, but every time he moved Fraser's arm or leg around him would just tighten.

"Fraser, seriously," Ray whispered. "I gotta piss."

Fraser grunted in his sleep but he did move enough for Ray to slip out so Ray couldn't complain.

Ray went to the bathroom and pissed. Then, since he had a minute, he ran a comb through his hair and brushed his teeth before going back to his room and crawling back under the covers. Fraser rolled over onto his back when Ray got back in the bed and then rubbed a hand over his face, stifling a yawn.

"What time is it?" Fraser asked.

"Early. Only about six."

Fraser grunted before rolling out of the bed. Ray heard the bathroom door close, and then the water running, and a few minutes later Fraser was coming back to bed, looking more awake and with it than when he left. He lay down on his side, looking at Ray, and Ray felt his breath catch in his chest from the way Fraser was watching him. Almost like if he looked hard enough he could see right into Ray's brain or something.

Ray licked his lips. "What?"

There was silence for a second, and then Fraser said, "I didn't want you to leave," all in a rush. He squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath. "Or, if you were going to leave I wanted to go with you. I just - I couldn't ask. I couldn't ask that of you, and you thought - you thought I didn't want you there, but that wasn't it."

"Fraser, it's-"

"No, it's not all right and it's not okay," Fraser interrupted.

"Yeah. I know," Ray said, his voice softer than his words. "I wasn't planning on forgiving you that easy anyway, freak."

Ray was trying to joke a little, but when Fraser opened his eyes Ray could see how serious he was. "I was stupid and foolish and it cost me-" he took a shuddering breath. "And then I came back here and all I could do was give you that damn envelope." Fraser laughed once, bitterly. "And you read it and, I don't know, maybe felt badly for me or--"

"Wait, wait," Ray said, cutting him off. "The card thing? That envelope?"

"Yes," Fraser answered. "But I didn't think I could-"

"I never opened it," Ray said quietly.

Fraser stopped talking. Blinked. "What?"

Ray shook his head. "I never opened it. I just - carried it around. I still do," he finished softly.

"So you never read it?" Fraser shifted closer to him in the bed. He reached out and laid his hand on Ray's hip, and Ray reached down and twined their fingers together.

"I never read it," Ray answered. "I just - I didn't need to know what was in it. You giving it to me was enough. Knowing that I still meant something to you after all."

Fraser's eyes fell shut and he took a shaky breath. "You mean everything to me," he said quietly. "You always have."

Ray closed his eyes and leaned over, pressing his mouth softly against Fraser's, loving the way Fraser immediately kissed him back. "You think maybe we can do this and not fuck it up this time?" Ray said against Fraser's lips.

"I'd say we have a pretty good chance," Fraser answered, smiling against Ray's mouth.

He kissed Fraser for a minute, but then he put his hand flat on Fraser's chest and pushed him back a little. Fraser looked at him curiously as Ray pointed a finger, jabbing him in the chest. "But listen here, buddy," he waited until Fraser was looking at him, a small smile quirking the corners of his mouth. "This time we're doing things my way, got it?"

Fraser smiled at him fully and said, "Oh, really?"

"Yeah, really." Ray poked him again. "Because I've got to tell you, Frase. Your way? Really sucks."

"My way sucks." Fraser said dryly, lifting his eyebrows. "Really."

Ray narrowed his eyes and stared at him. "I just spent the last how many months of my fucking life miserable here because of your way, Fraser. So yeah, in my opinion? It pretty much sucks."

Fraser lowered his eyes as Ray was talking, and watched his mouth. He shifted closer in the bed, his body soft and warm against Ray's, and kissed the side of Ray's frown. "Ray?" he said quietly.

Ray turned and kissed Fraser's lips. "Yeah?"

"Shut up."

Ray lightly smacked Fraser on the side of the head, then kissed him as hard as he could. "Understood," he said against Fraser's mouth, and even if he couldn't see it, he could feel Fraser smile.


##